LOA Project Scope Statement: Part I

Good morning munchkins! I have printed you each a detailed itinerary for our first day together! Check out the formatting-no more boring Arial 10 pt font for me-that is so corporate and this CEO Mommi is really much more Lucida Handwriting instead. Let’s all review to make sure we are all on the same page; not that I necessarily need you to sign off (we aren’t THAT formal) but if you could just nod your heads and we can start the day!

7-7:30am: Wake up and snuggle

7:30-8:00am: Munchkins play while Mommi makes breakfast

8-8:30am: Eat breakfast

9-10am: Visit library and pick our theme for the week!

10-10:30-Healthy snack

10:30-11:30am-Walk to playground

12-12:45pm: Lunchtime

12:45-2:45pm: NAPTIME

3-3:30pm: Snack

3:30-4:30pm: Read library books and discuss theme of week

4:30-5:30pm: Play outside

5:30pm: Greet Daddy with hugs!

Sounds great Mommi! We are so happy that you are staying home with us!


So first day may have gotten a bit off scope…few timeline setbacks: may have inadvertently missed the time for the double diaper duty and employee negotiations ie Peanut meltdown 1 (“Mommy, I wanted to turn on the light!!!”), Peanut meltdown number 2 (ME PUT MY SOCKS ON!!), BB meltdown 1 after finding him with Shelby’s water dish on his head, subsequent bath, Peanut’s bath after meltdown 3 (“Why does he get to play in the water if me doesn’t??”). This leaves me at 11:00am (still in my pajamas), with Peanut squealing “Elmo isn’t nigh night Mommy. He is up! SHOW SHOW!” With a rebuffed itinerary discussion, zero sign offs, no shower, and exhaustion setting in before noon-I have made the executive decision that this week’s theme is going to be survival-screw the library.

Identity Crisis!

Everything has a place and a place has everything!

In the past 25+ years, perhaps there have been 2 days that I can remember not making my bed (and I just may have been hospitalized those two days, just saying). Same goes for picking out the next morning’s clothes (so I of course have also done this for the kids since day 1 which has caused Owen to completely freeze in fear when I suggest he pull out an extra shirt for the diaper bag; he may not be aware, but I know he has no idea where those are kept).
I am sure there is some sort of psychological explanation (or control freak label), but organizing chaos keeps me sane. In my SBS life (ie corporate), during interviews I lean in to hear how people describe their stress coping mechanisms “Long walks! Talking with my husband! Deep breaths! Happy hour! (of course we don’t usually give the job here but I do want to high five the complete honesty!). My legs wish that I managed stress with a long run, but instead I most often turn to a closet that needs re-hauled or a counter that requires a long scrub (okay, most of the time with a glass of Cabernet-high five!) but no qualms that it is the lazy susan that is begging for a re-stacking that is the true motivation...

So it is the weekend before the LOA and I am interviewing my SuperMom friends.:
“Ladies, so trying to prepare…what is the wardrobe for SuperMom career?”
“Are you serious??”
“Yes-like is it more yoga pants, jeans, leggings? Or does it perhaps depend on the day’s activities?”
“OMG Sam, you are such a freak!”
Okay, so not getting a lot of insight here. Next stop is the US Weekly guilty pleasure, The Just Like Us: Moms Section. Hmmm…stilettos at Monkey Joe’s? In my wildest dreams, would I even own a Carolina Herrera frock much less wear it to the playground? Another strike out for guidance.
The only near experience with this is maternity leave…and I don’t think anyone wants to see that one pair of yoga pants being trudged out again. Standing in my closet on the first LOA Sunday night, I feel an overwhelming rush of anxiety and just a few tears brewing in the very back of my eyes. Though I am not sure of much, I am pretty certain that the LOA dress code does not readily involve the 15 suits, 30 pairs of heels, or wrap dresses in every color surrounding me. What to do? I feel a little shaky but I am throwing caution to the wind and climbing into bed without a damn thing laid out. 
So three hours later and still not asleep; holy hell-CEO Mommi has just crumbled the process flow map and is a hot mess. Thought this was the right road but terror is itching my skin and I sincerely wonder who is this CEO Mommi without the high heels?

Where the Hell is the Welcome Wagon?!

As a self proclaimed type  A - freakazoid, I would like to challenge any woman to a game of “who can absorb the most guilt in a single hour;” good luck ladies-but I feel pretty confident in my skill here. For years I have inadvertently (yet diligently) worked at mastering this craft, skillfully taking any situation to a new level ( i.e. I feel so guilty for not going to church; okay I went to church but I didn’t really listen to the homily-damn feel so guilty; okay I went to church and listened to the sermon but how much are you supposed to tithe because I don’t think $5 is enough-damn feel so guilty…you get my point). So you can only imagine the perfect breeding ground for this insanity: being a working Mom!


After Peanut was born, I was able to compartmentalize( though others may slightly disagree) and keep my guilt demon somewhat appropriated. However, after BB’s “surprise I am coming into the world about 3 years before you had planned me!” , Momma could not prepare herself for the overwhelming career dance of Mommyhood/Marketing Director and marriage(both to Owen and the Blackberry). The cliché of not having enough hours in the day became a constant battle to conquer-trying to squeeze in a few extra by working from 2-4 am or sneaking into the office during weekend naps. The phrase Hot Mess (or perhaps more appropriately Nervous-Breakdown- bound) could/would have read on my tombstone.


After sitting in the ER after Peanut’s nasty fence incident, I was calming her tears in one hand as my other hand negotiated the keyboard to answer “that critical email!” I used my voice dialing system to ring my stepdad-begging him to pick her up so I could get back into the crucial office matter. As I drove home that night around 11 pm, tears running down my face and the overwhelming guilt choking me, I had an out of body experience…looking at my person from an outside perspective: wanting to give me a quick hug and then seriously shake me. Pull yourself together girl-what in the hell are you doing and where are your priorities??


So after laborious deliberation, girlfriend interventions, much wine and countless tears over not being able to do it all-I threw up the white flag and decided to pursue sanity for a short time. So here I am- first day of my new life and LOA (ie official Leave of Absence from paid employment) and I am wondering where the hell is the Welcome Wagon? It is 8:00 am and I have verified my Outlook calendar 6 times and no new employee luncheon is scheduled and by the way where is the training program? I have checked and re-checked but received no stay-at-home mom employee binder and when will someone discuss the benefit program or at the very least a job description please? Holy hell I have no idea what I am doing and these two little munchkins are staring up at me and I know they can smell fear. So strap on your seatbelts kids-CEO Mommi is ready for the ride…

New Year New Groove

What a month! Quick recap of all that has been survived: DD (ie Doomsday-the dreaded Monday when momma had to re-enter the workforce), pumping at work (a new all-time dread), not 1, not 2 but 8 Christmas celebrations, New Years Eve (and New Years Day now beginning at 6:30 am when munchkins awake and have no care that Mom and Dad didn’t go to bed until the wee hours!), and a wonderful 10-day Christmas break at chez Team Schwartz. And tomorrow is January 4…and 2010 really begins. So before I re-enter the craziness of real life, I want to take a moment to determine my New Years resolutions. Yes, I am also sighing at the cliché, but it is such a moment that my type A goal setting freakiness just can’t let go by.


1. Find my SS mojo! This to include (but not limited to)
    a. Fit into (and this means willing to wear in public) skinny jeans by March
    b. Date nights with O 1x per month
    c. Keep up with Sam maintenance (that means eyebrows, hair, and maybe even the teeth...braces-yikes!!)
    d. Have ushers at church recognize that we are members (which means that I need to show up more than 4x per year)
   e. Call (email/text does not count) at least one girlfriend per week
   f. Write the blog
   g. Update the blog’s appearance (!!)
   h. Get up-to-date on munchkin’s baby books
   i. Keep up with my book club


2. Make a conscious effort to enjoy the moment and let go of the constant guilt and anxiety

   a. Okay, do you see how this might be hard after all the conditions I listed above?! Stress is already settling in by putting them into print!
   b. So new plan-will try to do above but promise to give myself a solid B if one is accomplished


The past two years have been completely insane! Two pregnancies, two births, two post-birth recoveries (which does not take just 6 weeks my friends), two babies, two maternity leaves, promotion, new job… it is sometimes difficult to recognize myself under everything that has changed. My biggest resolution in 2010 is to feel comfortable in my own (new) skin. My life and focus has done a 360 and I need to get my groove back…just this time with one baby on each hip.

A New Vice?

The sheer amount of weeping at the Schwartz house nowadays is frankly shocking. Odds are pretty fair that at any given hour you are likely to find either (or some type of combination of) a 2 month old hungry, a 17 month old practicing the perfect whine (new behavior that MUST be conquered…by any means necessary), or the pitiful dog grieving that someone (other than her) is eating. Oh and did I mention the bit of blubbering by the alpha female? Am I still honestly able to blame this shameless weekly (okay, sometimes daily) bit of weeping on hormones 10 weeks post baby? Oprah announces that she is giving her show up…bit of tears; BB smiles and chuckles out loud…bit of tears; Peanut throws her food on the floor while laughing after 3 no’s from momma…bit of tears; Shelby eating through diaper bag to find a few crackers…bit of tears. Friend breaking plans…bit of tears. Believe me; I am saying the same thing you are thinking-“Pull it together sister!!”


Perhaps since my wine drinking has taken a back seat…the tear shedding is my new found release…and I could think of worse vices, right? Doesn’t it prove that I am in touch with my emotions (come on…Psych 101?); and perhaps I will need to worry less about the imminent ulcer since I am “getting it out!” Just as I am starting to accept this new inclination, I recognize that I have mere days before entering the workforce: do you think it would be awkward if I let the tears a flow while negotiating the 2010 business plan? The realization sets in: I have only two weeks to lose 10 lbs, upkeep my roots, nails, and eyebrows, acquire a new wardrobe, and decipher a way to imagine BB being held by a day care worker without a breakdown. Must stop writing…blubbering has commenced.

Oh DQ...Why Can't I Quit You?

So I know I am supposed to be patient “took 9 months to get on, it will take 9 months to come off…” and all that other jib jab, but frankly I am done with the flab. I have been pregnant, nursing, or in “just had a baby” mode for over two years and I am ready to find PBS (pre-baby Sam)…I just know she is in there somewhere! Now, I have given up on the PBS mind ever being the same-but I am holding out hope for the body. This is certainly not to imply that PBS didn’t have her flaws…but I had 30 years of practice understanding how to cover, disguise, and guard these. I am still searching for something other than an empire waist to make me look reasonable while shuddering every time I spend a dime on these types of clothes because I know PBS is just around the corner! (and of course because of that little guilt complex I have perfected over the years).



However, did I mention that I am commanding the weight to come off as I put it on-with a mind of its own and little effort from me? And I also absolutely demand that it come off without giving up that nasty DQ habit I picked up during pregnancy #2. How ironic that I develop a rabid sweet tooth while 30-something when you couldn’t get me to touch a piece of chocolate in the early scrawny years; when I was desperate for a few extra lbs as not to look so strikingly similar to one of those Feed the Children public service announcements. Thinking the tooth was completely related to pregnancy hormones (as was any other crazy behavior I could possibly blame), I thought as soon as BB had popped his angelic head into the word that my sweet craving would be expelled as well. This notion was quickly squelched…as I sent Owen out to fetch me DQ a few hours after his arrival. It wasn’t until recently that I understood the tooth’s severity when offered the choice I easily decided on a DQ strawberry sundae over a bold Cabernet.


Given this and the impeding back-to-work date looming (meaning unless I find 10 more free empire waist dresses, I must squeeze into a few PBS clothing options) it is DQ lockdown at the Schwartz abode. Wish me luck-this will not be an easy journey. And there is that special 2 for $3 special still running…hmmm…maybe just one more dash?

Photo Shoot Mania

Oh the joy of the family photo…what a treasured memory! Treasured memory-DOUBTFUL…treasured pandamonium is more like it. Wouldn’t it be hilarious if the annual photo that we send to all family and friends (perhaps even with that included letter triumphing all the year’s wonderful coming/goings ) had accompanying audio to discuss the screaming, safety pins, sucked in tummies, cookie bribery, and general misery accompanying the photo taking. A few key photo lessons learned by Team Schwartz



1. Please squash all visions of cute/cuddly photos of your two babies under 2 in Santa hats


2. Let go of the dream…you are not going to look skinny 8 weeks post baby; accentuate your hair (if you have time to wash) or perhaps a new pair of shoes?  (yes, make the time as you are already at the department store's childrens section!) Better yet, choose a photographer who is also a Mommy and knows mad Photoshop skills!


3. Do not base the entire photo color scheme around a 2 month’s old outfit


4. Critical to try on everyone’s outfit prior to 30 minutes prior to shoot (yes, perhaps one week in advance would be ideal)

5. In times of desperation, pull on your knowledge of dog training (yes, always including small snacks) to have babies move to proper placement…just for that one crucial shot!


5. Keep all receipts for the 100 hats, bows, tights, and dresses that were not chosen for the crucial shot (believe, me, that $500 will come in handy for the next time you decide to go scour every city mall for the "perfect!" photo wardrobe)

6. Speaking of the one crucial shot…let it go! Go for the candid: wear your craziness with pride!