As a self proclaimed type A - freakazoid, I would like to challenge any woman to a game of “who can absorb the most guilt in a single hour;” good luck ladies-but I feel pretty confident in my skill here. For years I have inadvertently (yet diligently) worked at mastering this craft, skillfully taking any situation to a new level ( i.e. I feel so guilty for not going to church; okay I went to church but I didn’t really listen to the homily-damn feel so guilty; okay I went to church and listened to the sermon but how much are you supposed to tithe because I don’t think $5 is enough-damn feel so guilty…you get my point). So you can only imagine the perfect breeding ground for this insanity: being a working Mom!
After Peanut was born, I was able to compartmentalize( though others may slightly disagree) and keep my guilt demon somewhat appropriated. However, after BB’s “surprise I am coming into the world about 3 years before you had planned me!” , Momma could not prepare herself for the overwhelming career dance of Mommyhood/Marketing Director and marriage(both to Owen and the Blackberry). The cliché of not having enough hours in the day became a constant battle to conquer-trying to squeeze in a few extra by working from 2-4 am or sneaking into the office during weekend naps. The phrase Hot Mess (or perhaps more appropriately Nervous-Breakdown- bound) could/would have read on my tombstone.
After sitting in the ER after Peanut’s nasty fence incident, I was calming her tears in one hand as my other hand negotiated the keyboard to answer “that critical email!” I used my voice dialing system to ring my stepdad-begging him to pick her up so I could get back into the crucial office matter. As I drove home that night around 11 pm, tears running down my face and the overwhelming guilt choking me, I had an out of body experience…looking at my person from an outside perspective: wanting to give me a quick hug and then seriously shake me. Pull yourself together girl-what in the hell are you doing and where are your priorities??
So after laborious deliberation, girlfriend interventions, much wine and countless tears over not being able to do it all-I threw up the white flag and decided to pursue sanity for a short time. So here I am- first day of my new life and LOA (ie official Leave of Absence from paid employment) and I am wondering where the hell is the Welcome Wagon? It is 8:00 am and I have verified my Outlook calendar 6 times and no new employee luncheon is scheduled and by the way where is the training program? I have checked and re-checked but received no stay-at-home mom employee binder and when will someone discuss the benefit program or at the very least a job description please? Holy hell I have no idea what I am doing and these two little munchkins are staring up at me and I know they can smell fear. So strap on your seatbelts kids-CEO Mommi is ready for the ride…
