The Trifecta of Guilt

Having once again reviewed the CEO Mommi benefits plan with a fine tooth comb, I am still a bit shell shocked at the compensation package. However, I am attacking this new project with gusto and putting some of those Excel pivot tables to good work. First, plan of attack-taking on the grocery. Just watched “The Cheapest Family in America” on the Today Show and feel oddly inspired. I have a list, coupons, and a goal of $85.00. Longing for an incentive plan, I have decided that kicker upon goal is a bonus upgrade to the $10 Cabernet rather than the $5 I should be spending. I am ready!



We arrive at the store and my eyes quickly dart around the parking lot for a red car (because “Me don’t like green Mommi!”) grocery cart. Though I spend half my shopping trips apologizing “Oh damn-sorry, just ran over that pumpkin pie display!” “Oops, sorry mister-didn’t mean to hit you in the shin-but not really sure how to cut corners in this contraption!” this is the only way shopping is at all possible any more. Peanut and Elmo are each strapped into the car after only brief negotiations “Um, Mommi-Elmo wants to be able to beep horn!” and BB is secure in the front (and okay, I left the shopping cart cover in the car because did I really have one more hand with two babies, cups, Elmo, recycle bags-but I use my sleeve to cleanse the handle thoroughly).


10 minutes in and I am already stalled at the bread aisle. So need whole grain (healthy, right)-but damn the kind I really want is like twice the other and wow the store brand is just not good…wait, do I have a coupon for the Auntie Millie’s somewhere in here because that would take it down to almost the same…


“MOMMI-ELMO IS HUNGRY!” Momentary distraction number one as I “feed” Elmo some bread, and then some peanut butter and then sing “SUNNY DAY” as only Elmo would want during his meal. Not to be ignored, BB has somehow started grabbing loaves off the shelf and is tossing them to the floor with shrieks of delight. “Munchkins, Mommi is trying to divide per unit costs here!”


So attempt number one is a flop. I do not meet goal, because frankly Elmo beat me down and I was lucky to grab some milk and cereal. Feeling a bit defeated, I glance at my Two-Buck Chuck Cabernet and realize this must be taken more seriously-Mommi is in absolute need of a better glass of wine.


Next week-munchkins are at home with Daddy and I attempt GROCREY MISSION SOLO. 2.5 hours later…I leave victorious at $87.65 (did I not mention that my incentive plan included rounding) and $32.50 saved! My luxury $10 bottle of wine in tow…I am feeling pretty darn good…who knows, maybe the Today Show is next for me?


Girls dinner later that week and I relive my conquest as I know my fellow mommies will share in my triumph since though he tried, Owen’s “Uh…good job?” and “So do we really have to eat generic peanut butter?” weren’t really providing the recognition deserved.


“Wow Sam-that is amazing! But what about the dirty dozen??” All of my girlfriends are nodding and looking at me in anticipation.


“Dirty Dozen? Oh is that a new wine or something-I haven’t heard of it yet? Is it in my $10 range?”


“Uhhh..Sam, have you not been shopping the dirty dozen??”


%$# what are they talking about?? My girls take the next ½ hour to give me an awesome lesson on organic foods as anxiety crawls up my legs through my torso and throat as I realize that while I spent the past 2 years in marketing and business planning sessions that I missed this memo and my babies are probably suffering a slow death of pesticides.


Let’s give this another shot: with my shopping list in one hand, dirty dozen file peeking out of my purse, my coupons tucked in my pocket, my calorie counter...seriously, I am already exhausted just in preparation. I have not even made it out of the produce aisle and am feeling the anxiety itch as I am pretty positive that I have already gone overbudget with only 6 of the dirty dozen in tow. As I trudge down the last aisle (almost 3 hours later), I realize that not only am I not getting my wine upgrade but I may have to give plasma later to compensate for everything in my cart. As I get to the checkout and my total is revealed, I have a fleeting thought to chuck it all and run out with a $50 bottle of wine.


So I am now the proud owner of yet another sanction of guilt; if anyone has any thoughts or ideas on food that is organic, calorie free, healthy, very cheap, and comes with a free bottle of wine…I would be forever indebted.

Confessions From the Couch

“Hey honey-think I have a great idea for that basement back wall, can you run in here? “ I yell to Owen from the living room. Three days of virtual bed rest post-kidney surgery and can still only mitigate tears after 2 pain killers, mind numbing tv and a. lying on my left side with the right hip slightly elevated or b. knees on the floor, head on the couch with left ear tilted south. No response.

“O-really, this is a good one-can you come here?” Finally I hear some heavy footsteps.

“Hey-look at this built in shelf concept with a bench for larger kid toys…good accent to the wainscoting?”

“Okay Sammi-sorry that it has come to this but seriously, no more HGTV. You are supposed to be resting and so far I have about 3 pages of your great ideas. Why don't you turn on some of that reality crap you used to love?” I don't mention that techically, most of HGTV is reality television as well: Zen has spoken.
Damn-he is so on to me trying to be productive through him. He does have a point; I do truly love a good Design on a Dime and Real Estate Intervention-but anxiety is scratching at me as they have now made me realize that my entire house needs to be rehauled and I can hardly lift my head up.

So I heed the advice and am on a new mission to cram the 3 years of tv programming missed since Sesame Street entered my life. Few observations that are just too riveting not to share-


1.Real Wives of Beverly Hills: Always hear the hype and pumped that I can join the gossip at my next book club. Watch the first episode and then almost feel like I do watching A&E Intervention-a bit nauseous and surprisingly guilty. Of course, I must then watch episodes 2-6 just to ensure this initial reaction is warranted. But Camille Grammar-really? I understand that you are exhausted trying to manage your 4 nannies and completely empathize that slumming it in a 3500 sq ft NYC penthouse is tough…but could you please eat a freaking cheeseburger? Your cheekbones are literally making me wince

2.  Friday Night Lights: Okay I know I am about 5 years behind (and just on season 2) but loving this show! Think that the writers got a bit schizo about the Lyla/Jason relationship (engaged one week then he is making out with a tattoo artist the next?) but overall-Netflix couldn't get here fast enough.


3. Brothers and Sisters: Feel completely disloyal, but wow this show is so NOT GOOD this season. Rob Lowe-how is Community working out for you?


4. Sex and the City 2: Damn, not even Vicodin or seeing my sweet Aidan makes it better the second go round.


5. Dr. Phil: I mean I commend Brandon for his years of sobriety, but is he really qualified to be staging interventions? So embarrassed I am watching them in mute.


6. Young and the Restless: So it is later the same day of the last episode I watched 5 years ago…can Nick and Sharon not just be together people? And am a bit creeped out that the Naked Heiress should be about 7 not 25?

 7. Keeping Up With the Kardashians: Why do I care about keeping up with these folks? Not at all sure but completley sucked in nonetheless; now obsessed with trying to figure out if this Scott character is really a nut job or just some sort of freak actor. Is he really wearing a purple sweater tied around his shoulders? Okay, seriously did I just see a commercial for Bridalplasty…or did I accidentally take the pain med an hour too soon?? This Mommi needs to switch to the Discovery Channel asap...


Wow-though 1000 brain cells short and feeling more than a little guilty, glad I can now cross these “Oh I should watch that” shows off my to-do list. Anything I missed? Speaking of…it has been about 12 hours, too soon to bring up another good idea to Owen?

If at first you don't hear the whisper...get ready to catch a stone

CEO Mommi has a schedule and I simply cannot be bothered by my body not cooperating. It is holiday season for god’s sake-I have Halloween costumes to address, play dates, Thanksgiving dinners to plan, GIRLS NIGHT OUT (and we all know that is a non-negotiable), and that pesky basement remodeling project I decided would be a good idea one evening. Seriously-January is really the first available opening for a doctor visit.



Day 1-4: Hmmm….I must have slept wrong-my back is simply killing me.


Day 5-10: Hmmm…maybe I pulled a muscle during my last workout because wow this is getting uncomfortable (now that I think about it, when was the last time I worked out? Must be some weird delayed effect: will do a little Internet research later.)


Day 11-14 Hmmm…so how many Advil can you take in a day? I think I may have an hour next Tuesday that I could stop by the doctor. Maybe I will call if it doesn’t feel a bit better tomorrow.


Day 14 Hmmm…getting a bit difficult to walk, maybe I will just take a quick rest on the bathroom floor-really will call the doctor tomorrow


Day 14.5 Umm- dear God I am so sorry that I once cursed the women on “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant!” Contact TLC because I think I am in labor. Thinking that I should probably call Owen to get me off the floor. Oh freak, of course he is out of town.


Day 14.75 “Hey Mom-what are you doing, how is work? Oh that is just Peanut crying…you see I can’t really get off the floor right now. Think you could take me to the ER?”


Day 15 “I’m sorry, what? There are how many?? Okay…so actually how long is this going to be because my munchkins have open gym tomorrow and then I really need to get to Toys R Us-have a coupon that expires-and my best friend’s little boy is having a birthday party and I actually had wine night on Friday-but that is like 2 days away…so no problem, right?”


Day 15.5 “Okay, do you see that I have one baby hanging on my leg and one on my hip? I hope you are sending a pool boy home with me because I hardly have time to use the ladies room much less strain my pee every hour??”


Day 16-30 Dear Vicodin, it is me Sam. Could you perhaps kick it up a notch??


Day 30 Forget it-put me under the knife.


So my body must have been going into withdrawal after I hadn’t given birth this year, so decided to create not 1, not 2, but 6 beautifully crystallized kidney stones (I wasn’t kidding, I don’t do anything half ass). But unlike my sweet babies who wanted out so badly that I took daily shots to keep them cozy, I can’t beg, plead, or cry stones 1-6 away, so today is surgery day. Not really sure how they are going to come out (I pretty much blacked out after he mentioned a camera, laser, shock waves, stint, and “you are going to hate me for a week or so”; I just need the damn things gone: Mommi is about 4 weeks behind on the to-do list! Actually, after a bit more thought-anyone know of where you might find 5 mm bonnets and swaddling blankets? Because after all of this, what a let down to come home with nothing but a (gulp) stint??

The Break-Up

I must admit…I did not see this coming. After years of battling my love/hate relationship with Mr. Blackberry (and yes-I know some of my colleagues even suspected a domestic violence issue after viewing his cracked frame-but I swear that was between Mr. BB and Mr. Granite Countertop-I was not at fault!), perhaps I should have been more prepared.

After Owen finally banned Mr. BB from sleeping with us, I would sneak downstairs first thing every morning (or yes, at 2:00 am when I was waking up to work anyhow), stomach clenched wondering how many emails had come through since putting him to bed. Each morning I prayed to find him sleeping: no red light flashing because that light most readily indicates TROUBLE overnight. Mr. BB was my date to all girls’ dinners, errands, backyard barbeques…and I didn’t want to be rude and have him feel excluded-so he would always sit right next to me, face up so I could see just when that red light started its twitch. Yes, perhaps Mr. BB and I had some attachment issues (has this been used as an insane defense on Law and Order yet?) but I couldn’t shake the anxiety creep when he wasn’t just a reach or purse grab away.



So today it happened. Out of habit, I am up at the crack of dawn and gallop down the stairs to wake Mr. BB up and no red flashing light. Oh no-is it broken? Opening up the message box, I have not one single email or text since yesterday evening. For a quick minute: relief. OMG-this is amazing-no TROUBLE: no fires to put out, no one that needs my input-everything is in order. And then panic: OMG-no fires to put out? No one needs my input? Everything is order…without me. Wow, a little shaky. I casually turn him over 6x in the next hour and still…no flashing light. Darn, isn’t this exactly what I wanted and seriously-are there tears brimming in the back of my eyes?


“Mommy! Mommy! Me is awake!” I hear through the monitor. Immediately, I feel a bit of relief. Who needs Mr. BB when my new employees have me on immediate speed voice dial. As I make my way to Peanut’s room, I hear my other little guy in his room rustling. I smile and open the door-I just love getting them out of bed when they are still sleepy and just waking up. He sees me and I gasp as he squeals in delight, hanging from his mobile (damn, didn’t BabyCenter just send me an email noting to take that thing down?) while everything from the bed (including pj’s and diaper) have been thrown out on the floor.


“MOMMY! Me now! Me want Cheerios!” screams Peanut from across the hall. Okay, deep breath: still have fires to put out, input is readily needed and it certainly does not appear that anything is in order here: red light be damned -I am back in business.

And Then There It Is...

Second day of LOA. Instead of a full event overview, I have decided upon a less stringent approach, instead breaking the day into 4 chunks-themed by food! (ie breakfast, morning snack, lunch, afternoon snack). It is morning snack time and I am feeling pretty energized-we all actually have real clothes on, and I was able to successfully CHECK breakfast off the list (wow, I just love a good task check!). I am thinking my new approach just may be the ticket. Phone rings:



“Umm-how great that you are able to start the tile job early. When exactly would you want to begin? Oh you are in the neighborhood? Oh wonderful! Yes-we will be here.”


$%@*! I am not ready for curve balls yet folks-I mean I just came up with my pinwheel food routine chart and again, I have no idea how re-doing the master and guest bath tile fits into that at all. I thought I had another week to figure that out. Damn, should have completed the risk register! So a quick heated call to Owen (I mean, this must be his fault in some way, right?) and answer the door to 3 men who look like they have enough equipment to move in for the week…which by the way is about how long they let me know they are staying. The jack hammering starts, the babies’ full on freak out mode commences, and I know it is bad news when I am already subtracting the number of hours until I can have a glass of wine.


So 3 hours later, I am driving aimlessly around the city (hmmm…wasn’t there a neighborhood somewhere in Zionsville that I wanted to check out?) while the kids nap in the car. By hour 2 (and 84 strip mall drive bys later) I would give my left toe to be sitting in a Finance meeting. I am overjoyed when I hear BB stirring in the back and announce “SHOPPING TRIP!” Peanut pipes up “Me love shopping!” and I start to perk up…already my teaching is showing impact! I am getting the kids strapped in the cart as Peanut is pulling on my hand and BB’s arm as I push them in. “Seriously-what are you doing sweetie?” “Want us to all hold hands Mommy!” BB giggles and gives her his fingers. “Mommy-give yours now. Team!” And there it is…a moment.


To think that I still hold a grudge against the kid who tripped me on the playground in second grade, it is frankly remarkable the magic amnesia these munchkins can pour out in an instant. After 8.5 tortourous months, daily injections, bed rest and the 10 hardest hours of my life, I see Peanut’s beautiful face and announce that I can’t wait to have 5 more. After zero sleep and BB waking up every other hour (because come on-Mommi can find that paci much more readily than he can!) my heart still melts on time 11 when he says “Momma!” squeezes my neck and rests his head on my shoulder.


So we all 3 hold hands as I push them into Costo, singing Elmo’s World, and I know I would give all my toes to be right here.

LOA Project Scope Statement: Part I

Good morning munchkins! I have printed you each a detailed itinerary for our first day together! Check out the formatting-no more boring Arial 10 pt font for me-that is so corporate and this CEO Mommi is really much more Lucida Handwriting instead. Let’s all review to make sure we are all on the same page; not that I necessarily need you to sign off (we aren’t THAT formal) but if you could just nod your heads and we can start the day!

7-7:30am: Wake up and snuggle

7:30-8:00am: Munchkins play while Mommi makes breakfast

8-8:30am: Eat breakfast

9-10am: Visit library and pick our theme for the week!

10-10:30-Healthy snack

10:30-11:30am-Walk to playground

12-12:45pm: Lunchtime

12:45-2:45pm: NAPTIME

3-3:30pm: Snack

3:30-4:30pm: Read library books and discuss theme of week

4:30-5:30pm: Play outside

5:30pm: Greet Daddy with hugs!

Sounds great Mommi! We are so happy that you are staying home with us!


So first day may have gotten a bit off scope…few timeline setbacks: may have inadvertently missed the time for the double diaper duty and employee negotiations ie Peanut meltdown 1 (“Mommy, I wanted to turn on the light!!!”), Peanut meltdown number 2 (ME PUT MY SOCKS ON!!), BB meltdown 1 after finding him with Shelby’s water dish on his head, subsequent bath, Peanut’s bath after meltdown 3 (“Why does he get to play in the water if me doesn’t??”). This leaves me at 11:00am (still in my pajamas), with Peanut squealing “Elmo isn’t nigh night Mommy. He is up! SHOW SHOW!” With a rebuffed itinerary discussion, zero sign offs, no shower, and exhaustion setting in before noon-I have made the executive decision that this week’s theme is going to be survival-screw the library.

Identity Crisis!

Everything has a place and a place has everything!

In the past 25+ years, perhaps there have been 2 days that I can remember not making my bed (and I just may have been hospitalized those two days, just saying). Same goes for picking out the next morning’s clothes (so I of course have also done this for the kids since day 1 which has caused Owen to completely freeze in fear when I suggest he pull out an extra shirt for the diaper bag; he may not be aware, but I know he has no idea where those are kept).
I am sure there is some sort of psychological explanation (or control freak label), but organizing chaos keeps me sane. In my SBS life (ie corporate), during interviews I lean in to hear how people describe their stress coping mechanisms “Long walks! Talking with my husband! Deep breaths! Happy hour! (of course we don’t usually give the job here but I do want to high five the complete honesty!). My legs wish that I managed stress with a long run, but instead I most often turn to a closet that needs re-hauled or a counter that requires a long scrub (okay, most of the time with a glass of Cabernet-high five!) but no qualms that it is the lazy susan that is begging for a re-stacking that is the true motivation...

So it is the weekend before the LOA and I am interviewing my SuperMom friends.:
“Ladies, so trying to prepare…what is the wardrobe for SuperMom career?”
“Are you serious??”
“Yes-like is it more yoga pants, jeans, leggings? Or does it perhaps depend on the day’s activities?”
“OMG Sam, you are such a freak!”
Okay, so not getting a lot of insight here. Next stop is the US Weekly guilty pleasure, The Just Like Us: Moms Section. Hmmm…stilettos at Monkey Joe’s? In my wildest dreams, would I even own a Carolina Herrera frock much less wear it to the playground? Another strike out for guidance.
The only near experience with this is maternity leave…and I don’t think anyone wants to see that one pair of yoga pants being trudged out again. Standing in my closet on the first LOA Sunday night, I feel an overwhelming rush of anxiety and just a few tears brewing in the very back of my eyes. Though I am not sure of much, I am pretty certain that the LOA dress code does not readily involve the 15 suits, 30 pairs of heels, or wrap dresses in every color surrounding me. What to do? I feel a little shaky but I am throwing caution to the wind and climbing into bed without a damn thing laid out. 
So three hours later and still not asleep; holy hell-CEO Mommi has just crumbled the process flow map and is a hot mess. Thought this was the right road but terror is itching my skin and I sincerely wonder who is this CEO Mommi without the high heels?

Where the Hell is the Welcome Wagon?!

As a self proclaimed type  A - freakazoid, I would like to challenge any woman to a game of “who can absorb the most guilt in a single hour;” good luck ladies-but I feel pretty confident in my skill here. For years I have inadvertently (yet diligently) worked at mastering this craft, skillfully taking any situation to a new level ( i.e. I feel so guilty for not going to church; okay I went to church but I didn’t really listen to the homily-damn feel so guilty; okay I went to church and listened to the sermon but how much are you supposed to tithe because I don’t think $5 is enough-damn feel so guilty…you get my point). So you can only imagine the perfect breeding ground for this insanity: being a working Mom!


After Peanut was born, I was able to compartmentalize( though others may slightly disagree) and keep my guilt demon somewhat appropriated. However, after BB’s “surprise I am coming into the world about 3 years before you had planned me!” , Momma could not prepare herself for the overwhelming career dance of Mommyhood/Marketing Director and marriage(both to Owen and the Blackberry). The cliché of not having enough hours in the day became a constant battle to conquer-trying to squeeze in a few extra by working from 2-4 am or sneaking into the office during weekend naps. The phrase Hot Mess (or perhaps more appropriately Nervous-Breakdown- bound) could/would have read on my tombstone.


After sitting in the ER after Peanut’s nasty fence incident, I was calming her tears in one hand as my other hand negotiated the keyboard to answer “that critical email!” I used my voice dialing system to ring my stepdad-begging him to pick her up so I could get back into the crucial office matter. As I drove home that night around 11 pm, tears running down my face and the overwhelming guilt choking me, I had an out of body experience…looking at my person from an outside perspective: wanting to give me a quick hug and then seriously shake me. Pull yourself together girl-what in the hell are you doing and where are your priorities??


So after laborious deliberation, girlfriend interventions, much wine and countless tears over not being able to do it all-I threw up the white flag and decided to pursue sanity for a short time. So here I am- first day of my new life and LOA (ie official Leave of Absence from paid employment) and I am wondering where the hell is the Welcome Wagon? It is 8:00 am and I have verified my Outlook calendar 6 times and no new employee luncheon is scheduled and by the way where is the training program? I have checked and re-checked but received no stay-at-home mom employee binder and when will someone discuss the benefit program or at the very least a job description please? Holy hell I have no idea what I am doing and these two little munchkins are staring up at me and I know they can smell fear. So strap on your seatbelts kids-CEO Mommi is ready for the ride…

New Year New Groove

What a month! Quick recap of all that has been survived: DD (ie Doomsday-the dreaded Monday when momma had to re-enter the workforce), pumping at work (a new all-time dread), not 1, not 2 but 8 Christmas celebrations, New Years Eve (and New Years Day now beginning at 6:30 am when munchkins awake and have no care that Mom and Dad didn’t go to bed until the wee hours!), and a wonderful 10-day Christmas break at chez Team Schwartz. And tomorrow is January 4…and 2010 really begins. So before I re-enter the craziness of real life, I want to take a moment to determine my New Years resolutions. Yes, I am also sighing at the cliché, but it is such a moment that my type A goal setting freakiness just can’t let go by.


1. Find my SS mojo! This to include (but not limited to)
    a. Fit into (and this means willing to wear in public) skinny jeans by March
    b. Date nights with O 1x per month
    c. Keep up with Sam maintenance (that means eyebrows, hair, and maybe even the teeth...braces-yikes!!)
    d. Have ushers at church recognize that we are members (which means that I need to show up more than 4x per year)
   e. Call (email/text does not count) at least one girlfriend per week
   f. Write the blog
   g. Update the blog’s appearance (!!)
   h. Get up-to-date on munchkin’s baby books
   i. Keep up with my book club


2. Make a conscious effort to enjoy the moment and let go of the constant guilt and anxiety

   a. Okay, do you see how this might be hard after all the conditions I listed above?! Stress is already settling in by putting them into print!
   b. So new plan-will try to do above but promise to give myself a solid B if one is accomplished


The past two years have been completely insane! Two pregnancies, two births, two post-birth recoveries (which does not take just 6 weeks my friends), two babies, two maternity leaves, promotion, new job… it is sometimes difficult to recognize myself under everything that has changed. My biggest resolution in 2010 is to feel comfortable in my own (new) skin. My life and focus has done a 360 and I need to get my groove back…just this time with one baby on each hip.