The Trifecta of Guilt

Having once again reviewed the CEO Mommi benefits plan with a fine tooth comb, I am still a bit shell shocked at the compensation package. However, I am attacking this new project with gusto and putting some of those Excel pivot tables to good work. First, plan of attack-taking on the grocery. Just watched “The Cheapest Family in America” on the Today Show and feel oddly inspired. I have a list, coupons, and a goal of $85.00. Longing for an incentive plan, I have decided that kicker upon goal is a bonus upgrade to the $10 Cabernet rather than the $5 I should be spending. I am ready!



We arrive at the store and my eyes quickly dart around the parking lot for a red car (because “Me don’t like green Mommi!”) grocery cart. Though I spend half my shopping trips apologizing “Oh damn-sorry, just ran over that pumpkin pie display!” “Oops, sorry mister-didn’t mean to hit you in the shin-but not really sure how to cut corners in this contraption!” this is the only way shopping is at all possible any more. Peanut and Elmo are each strapped into the car after only brief negotiations “Um, Mommi-Elmo wants to be able to beep horn!” and BB is secure in the front (and okay, I left the shopping cart cover in the car because did I really have one more hand with two babies, cups, Elmo, recycle bags-but I use my sleeve to cleanse the handle thoroughly).


10 minutes in and I am already stalled at the bread aisle. So need whole grain (healthy, right)-but damn the kind I really want is like twice the other and wow the store brand is just not good…wait, do I have a coupon for the Auntie Millie’s somewhere in here because that would take it down to almost the same…


“MOMMI-ELMO IS HUNGRY!” Momentary distraction number one as I “feed” Elmo some bread, and then some peanut butter and then sing “SUNNY DAY” as only Elmo would want during his meal. Not to be ignored, BB has somehow started grabbing loaves off the shelf and is tossing them to the floor with shrieks of delight. “Munchkins, Mommi is trying to divide per unit costs here!”


So attempt number one is a flop. I do not meet goal, because frankly Elmo beat me down and I was lucky to grab some milk and cereal. Feeling a bit defeated, I glance at my Two-Buck Chuck Cabernet and realize this must be taken more seriously-Mommi is in absolute need of a better glass of wine.


Next week-munchkins are at home with Daddy and I attempt GROCREY MISSION SOLO. 2.5 hours later…I leave victorious at $87.65 (did I not mention that my incentive plan included rounding) and $32.50 saved! My luxury $10 bottle of wine in tow…I am feeling pretty darn good…who knows, maybe the Today Show is next for me?


Girls dinner later that week and I relive my conquest as I know my fellow mommies will share in my triumph since though he tried, Owen’s “Uh…good job?” and “So do we really have to eat generic peanut butter?” weren’t really providing the recognition deserved.


“Wow Sam-that is amazing! But what about the dirty dozen??” All of my girlfriends are nodding and looking at me in anticipation.


“Dirty Dozen? Oh is that a new wine or something-I haven’t heard of it yet? Is it in my $10 range?”


“Uhhh..Sam, have you not been shopping the dirty dozen??”


%$# what are they talking about?? My girls take the next ½ hour to give me an awesome lesson on organic foods as anxiety crawls up my legs through my torso and throat as I realize that while I spent the past 2 years in marketing and business planning sessions that I missed this memo and my babies are probably suffering a slow death of pesticides.


Let’s give this another shot: with my shopping list in one hand, dirty dozen file peeking out of my purse, my coupons tucked in my pocket, my calorie counter...seriously, I am already exhausted just in preparation. I have not even made it out of the produce aisle and am feeling the anxiety itch as I am pretty positive that I have already gone overbudget with only 6 of the dirty dozen in tow. As I trudge down the last aisle (almost 3 hours later), I realize that not only am I not getting my wine upgrade but I may have to give plasma later to compensate for everything in my cart. As I get to the checkout and my total is revealed, I have a fleeting thought to chuck it all and run out with a $50 bottle of wine.


So I am now the proud owner of yet another sanction of guilt; if anyone has any thoughts or ideas on food that is organic, calorie free, healthy, very cheap, and comes with a free bottle of wine…I would be forever indebted.