Friday, June 10, 2011

Just Like Riding A Bike....

4:32 pm “Flight was canceled, won’t get home until late tonight/tomorrow. Love you”

5:06 pm #$% thought Daddy was picking up munchkins @ 2:00 pm after a week away…

5:07 pm: FREAK this means no Friday night Margarita Book Club

5:08 pm: Is it appropriate to have a complete melt down at work?

5:09 pm: I have nothing on the menu for kids dinner

5:10 pm: “Ummm…no problem, I can get that 3 year projected product profit margin by top of next week…”

5:15 pm: Would it be weird if someone found me lying in the fetal position in my cube?

5:16 pm: “Oh, yes…totally will review that project scope change by EOD. So sorry…did I not make it clear that my EOD is 11:59 PT?”

5:25 pm: Take a deep breath Sam…it is Friday, and traffic is bound to cooperate (because who the hell is still in rush hour on a Friday at this time??) You will totally get to day care by 6:00 pm…no $1 for every minute post…ludicrous.

6:01 pm: Sister-try diligently to suppress the guilt because you munchkins are the last to be picked up….

6:32 pm: MINIMAL guilt as munchkins are watching “a show!” while I try and figure out what I can feed you.

6:333 pm: Someone is looking out for Mommi…found a hiding bottle of wine in the top shelf.

My hair hasn’t been washed in 3 days, going on an average of 4 hours of sleep over the past 6 weeks. Is it strange that this is so completely unhealthy or that I can go on autopilot because this feel so natural?

Sunday, January 2, 2011


Either I missed the 12 foot Christmas bag, or I need to call some sort of medical authority (ie psych ward) because I swear I can hear the slow methodical ticking of a grandfather clock. Or is that actually my heart beginning to pump in pace with impeding anxiety as my LOA is most rapidly coming to an end? When signing my official “temporary leave from paid employment contract”-when exactly did I think it would be stellar to re-enter the workforce during the post-holiday, it is dark at 4 pm, and overall down and out season? No matter…24 hours to go, and just as I have finally mastered the official CEO Mommi legging and long sweater attire, I am dusting off the red heels hoping they are still the style this season.

So they say that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting different results. Since I only endorse the controlled craziness that I have long accepted as a signature character trait, I am committed to taking a few critical recently learned lessons as I start the Mommi corporate working tango again.

1. BBA (BlackBerry Anonymous) is a 12 step program that works! I have admitted my issue with the red light, made amends and am committed to a new code of behavior…wasn’t that challenging after the first week of withdrawal! Well, at least when no one was trying to reach me. Damn-may need a sponsor for this one.

2. Kidney stones are a bitch-will drink more water.

3. The dirty dozen of MUST HAVE organic foods can sometimes be widdled down to 4 (or let’s be honest-2) when you close your eyes and say it is so.

4. Store brands really are all mostly just as good as the name brands-but I cannot lie-I am a wine snob. The $15 bottle of Cabernet is worth it. The $30 bottle is usually REALLY worth it.

5. Though your hands may start shaking slightly and you will consistently feel a dull ache in that left temple, you will not go crazy after hearing Elmo sing HOT HOT HOT! and The Macarena on repeat for 13 days.

6. 10+ years in sales and I am completely outwitted by the negotiation techniques of a 2 year old.

7. Changing double diapers is so not fun-I am completely over poop. However, realizing how incredibly inept I am at potty training is making it a bit more appealing-because hey, at least I have mastered diapering!

8. Speaking of, I will never again inwardly sigh when having to draft my goal plan or during those quarterly reviews-I mean good/bad at least you have some benchmark on your achievements. Though I have diligently tried to attain feedback from my two current employers I am continually met with “NO MOMMI!” or “Me don’t like that MOMMI!” or “Want to watch show!”

9. Though only a few miles away, I am completely baffled about how quickly 4-5pm goes by in SBS CorporateLand and how painfully slow it is here at CEO Mommiville.

10. But my oh my I don’t think there is anything quite like pj mornings with one baby on your chest and the other on your shoulder singing Elmo’s World for the third time…

“Mommi, why are you scared?” I am busted. My little Peanut has walked in and seen me blubbering. She hasn’t quite grasped tears yet but labels anything other than smiles as being scared.

“Mommi isn’t scared honey. I just love you bunches!”

But honestly, maybe she is onto something…maybe I am scared. I am scared of missing them and missing their moments, I am scared of loving my job too much and making the wrong decisions with my family. I am scared of not being able to be a good Mom and a good employee. However, though I am not sure of much-I know that fear and fretting isn’t going to get this Mommi anything but ulcers (and really? This lady has done her part for the healthcare industry and is giving it a rest this year). I also think I am finally figuring out that there is no “perfect” balance and at times something/someone is going to have to give-and that might (and most probably) will change 100 times over the course of these sweet babies’ lives. And though sometimes one week can feel like 100 (especially if you have 6 kidney stones or a sweet baby who wants to sleep all day and party all night), often 1 special day can be worth 50.
So I am going to enjoy this last special day; I will let Peanut pick out Mommi’s first day back to work suit, I will remember how school taught her numbers and letters and shapes while I was just trying to figure out how to get us strapped into the car and to a playdate by 11 and I will try desperately to tune out the tick tock of this impeding change…and I will do my best to keep the blubbering to a minimum. Don’t want the munchkins to think their Mommi is a big fraidy cat.

Friday, December 17, 2010

The Trifecta of Guilt

Having once again reviewed the CEO Mommi benefits plan with a fine tooth comb, I am still a bit shell shocked at the compensation package. However, I am attacking this new project with gusto and putting some of those Excel pivot tables to good work. First, plan of attack-taking on the grocery. Just watched “The Cheapest Family in America” on the Today Show and feel oddly inspired. I have a list, coupons, and a goal of $85.00. Longing for an incentive plan, I have decided that kicker upon goal is a bonus upgrade to the $10 Cabernet rather than the $5 I should be spending. I am ready!

We arrive at the store and my eyes quickly dart around the parking lot for a red car (because “Me don’t like green Mommi!”) grocery cart. Though I spend half my shopping trips apologizing “Oh damn-sorry, just ran over that pumpkin pie display!” “Oops, sorry mister-didn’t mean to hit you in the shin-but not really sure how to cut corners in this contraption!” this is the only way shopping is at all possible any more. Peanut and Elmo are each strapped into the car after only brief negotiations “Um, Mommi-Elmo wants to be able to beep horn!” and BB is secure in the front (and okay, I left the shopping cart cover in the car because did I really have one more hand with two babies, cups, Elmo, recycle bags-but I use my sleeve to cleanse the handle thoroughly).

10 minutes in and I am already stalled at the bread aisle. So need whole grain (healthy, right)-but damn the kind I really want is like twice the other and wow the store brand is just not good…wait, do I have a coupon for the Auntie Millie’s somewhere in here because that would take it down to almost the same…

“MOMMI-ELMO IS HUNGRY!” Momentary distraction number one as I “feed” Elmo some bread, and then some peanut butter and then sing “SUNNY DAY” as only Elmo would want during his meal. Not to be ignored, BB has somehow started grabbing loaves off the shelf and is tossing them to the floor with shrieks of delight. “Munchkins, Mommi is trying to divide per unit costs here!”

So attempt number one is a flop. I do not meet goal, because frankly Elmo beat me down and I was lucky to grab some milk and cereal. Feeling a bit defeated, I glance at my Two-Buck Chuck Cabernet and realize this must be taken more seriously-Mommi is in absolute need of a better glass of wine.

Next week-munchkins are at home with Daddy and I attempt GROCREY MISSION SOLO. 2.5 hours later…I leave victorious at $87.65 (did I not mention that my incentive plan included rounding) and $32.50 saved! My luxury $10 bottle of wine in tow…I am feeling pretty darn good…who knows, maybe the Today Show is next for me?

Girls dinner later that week and I relive my conquest as I know my fellow mommies will share in my triumph since though he tried, Owen’s “Uh…good job?” and “So do we really have to eat generic peanut butter?” weren’t really providing the recognition deserved.

“Wow Sam-that is amazing! But what about the dirty dozen??” All of my girlfriends are nodding and looking at me in anticipation.

“Dirty Dozen? Oh is that a new wine or something-I haven’t heard of it yet? Is it in my $10 range?”

“Uhhh..Sam, have you not been shopping the dirty dozen??”

%$# what are they talking about?? My girls take the next ½ hour to give me an awesome lesson on organic foods as anxiety crawls up my legs through my torso and throat as I realize that while I spent the past 2 years in marketing and business planning sessions that I missed this memo and my babies are probably suffering a slow death of pesticides.

Let’s give this another shot: with my shopping list in one hand, dirty dozen file peeking out of my purse, my coupons tucked in my pocket, my calorie counter...seriously, I am already exhausted just in preparation. I have not even made it out of the produce aisle and am feeling the anxiety itch as I am pretty positive that I have already gone overbudget with only 6 of the dirty dozen in tow. As I trudge down the last aisle (almost 3 hours later), I realize that not only am I not getting my wine upgrade but I may have to give plasma later to compensate for everything in my cart. As I get to the checkout and my total is revealed, I have a fleeting thought to chuck it all and run out with a $50 bottle of wine.

So I am now the proud owner of yet another sanction of guilt; if anyone has any thoughts or ideas on food that is organic, calorie free, healthy, very cheap, and comes with a free bottle of wine…I would be forever indebted.

Friday, December 3, 2010

Confessions From the Couch

“Hey honey-think I have a great idea for that basement back wall, can you run in here? “ I yell to Owen from the living room. Three days of virtual bed rest post-kidney surgery and can still only mitigate tears after 2 pain killers, mind numbing tv and a. lying on my left side with the right hip slightly elevated or b. knees on the floor, head on the couch with left ear tilted south. No response.

“O-really, this is a good one-can you come here?” Finally I hear some heavy footsteps.

“Hey-look at this built in shelf concept with a bench for larger kid toys…good accent to the wainscoting?”

“Okay Sammi-sorry that it has come to this but seriously, no more HGTV. You are supposed to be resting and so far I have about 3 pages of your great ideas. Why don't you turn on some of that reality crap you used to love?” I don't mention that techically, most of HGTV is reality television as well: Zen has spoken.
Damn-he is so on to me trying to be productive through him. He does have a point; I do truly love a good Design on a Dime and Real Estate Intervention-but anxiety is scratching at me as they have now made me realize that my entire house needs to be rehauled and I can hardly lift my head up.

So I heed the advice and am on a new mission to cram the 3 years of tv programming missed since Sesame Street entered my life. Few observations that are just too riveting not to share-

1.Real Wives of Beverly Hills: Always hear the hype and pumped that I can join the gossip at my next book club. Watch the first episode and then almost feel like I do watching A&E Intervention-a bit nauseous and surprisingly guilty. Of course, I must then watch episodes 2-6 just to ensure this initial reaction is warranted. But Camille Grammar-really? I understand that you are exhausted trying to manage your 4 nannies and completely empathize that slumming it in a 3500 sq ft NYC penthouse is tough…but could you please eat a freaking cheeseburger? Your cheekbones are literally making me wince

2.  Friday Night Lights: Okay I know I am about 5 years behind (and just on season 2) but loving this show! Think that the writers got a bit schizo about the Lyla/Jason relationship (engaged one week then he is making out with a tattoo artist the next?) but overall-Netflix couldn't get here fast enough.

3. Brothers and Sisters: Feel completely disloyal, but wow this show is so NOT GOOD this season. Rob Lowe-how is Community working out for you?

4. Sex and the City 2: Damn, not even Vicodin or seeing my sweet Aidan makes it better the second go round.

5. Dr. Phil: I mean I commend Brandon for his years of sobriety, but is he really qualified to be staging interventions? So embarrassed I am watching them in mute.

6. Young and the Restless: So it is later the same day of the last episode I watched 5 years ago…can Nick and Sharon not just be together people? And am a bit creeped out that the Naked Heiress should be about 7 not 25?

 7. Keeping Up With the Kardashians: Why do I care about keeping up with these folks? Not at all sure but completley sucked in nonetheless; now obsessed with trying to figure out if this Scott character is really a nut job or just some sort of freak actor. Is he really wearing a purple sweater tied around his shoulders? Okay, seriously did I just see a commercial for Bridalplasty…or did I accidentally take the pain med an hour too soon?? This Mommi needs to switch to the Discovery Channel asap...

Wow-though 1000 brain cells short and feeling more than a little guilty, glad I can now cross these “Oh I should watch that” shows off my to-do list. Anything I missed? Speaking of…it has been about 12 hours, too soon to bring up another good idea to Owen?

Friday, November 19, 2010

If at first you don't hear the whisper...get ready to catch a stone

CEO Mommi has a schedule and I simply cannot be bothered by my body not cooperating. It is holiday season for god’s sake-I have Halloween costumes to address, play dates, Thanksgiving dinners to plan, GIRLS NIGHT OUT (and we all know that is a non-negotiable), and that pesky basement remodeling project I decided would be a good idea one evening. Seriously-January is really the first available opening for a doctor visit.

Day 1-4: Hmmm….I must have slept wrong-my back is simply killing me.

Day 5-10: Hmmm…maybe I pulled a muscle during my last workout because wow this is getting uncomfortable (now that I think about it, when was the last time I worked out? Must be some weird delayed effect: will do a little Internet research later.)

Day 11-14 Hmmm…so how many Advil can you take in a day? I think I may have an hour next Tuesday that I could stop by the doctor. Maybe I will call if it doesn’t feel a bit better tomorrow.

Day 14 Hmmm…getting a bit difficult to walk, maybe I will just take a quick rest on the bathroom floor-really will call the doctor tomorrow

Day 14.5 Umm- dear God I am so sorry that I once cursed the women on “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant!” Contact TLC because I think I am in labor. Thinking that I should probably call Owen to get me off the floor. Oh freak, of course he is out of town.

Day 14.75 “Hey Mom-what are you doing, how is work? Oh that is just Peanut crying…you see I can’t really get off the floor right now. Think you could take me to the ER?”

Day 15 “I’m sorry, what? There are how many?? Okay…so actually how long is this going to be because my munchkins have open gym tomorrow and then I really need to get to Toys R Us-have a coupon that expires-and my best friend’s little boy is having a birthday party and I actually had wine night on Friday-but that is like 2 days away…so no problem, right?”

Day 15.5 “Okay, do you see that I have one baby hanging on my leg and one on my hip? I hope you are sending a pool boy home with me because I hardly have time to use the ladies room much less strain my pee every hour??”

Day 16-30 Dear Vicodin, it is me Sam. Could you perhaps kick it up a notch??

Day 30 Forget it-put me under the knife.

So my body must have been going into withdrawal after I hadn’t given birth this year, so decided to create not 1, not 2, but 6 beautifully crystallized kidney stones (I wasn’t kidding, I don’t do anything half ass). But unlike my sweet babies who wanted out so badly that I took daily shots to keep them cozy, I can’t beg, plead, or cry stones 1-6 away, so today is surgery day. Not really sure how they are going to come out (I pretty much blacked out after he mentioned a camera, laser, shock waves, stint, and “you are going to hate me for a week or so”; I just need the damn things gone: Mommi is about 4 weeks behind on the to-do list! Actually, after a bit more thought-anyone know of where you might find 5 mm bonnets and swaddling blankets? Because after all of this, what a let down to come home with nothing but a (gulp) stint??

Thursday, October 28, 2010

The Break-Up

I must admit…I did not see this coming. After years of battling my love/hate relationship with Mr. Blackberry (and yes-I know some of my colleagues even suspected a domestic violence issue after viewing his cracked frame-but I swear that was between Mr. BB and Mr. Granite Countertop-I was not at fault!), perhaps I should have been more prepared.

After Owen finally banned Mr. BB from sleeping with us, I would sneak downstairs first thing every morning (or yes, at 2:00 am when I was waking up to work anyhow), stomach clenched wondering how many emails had come through since putting him to bed. Each morning I prayed to find him sleeping: no red light flashing because that light most readily indicates TROUBLE overnight. Mr. BB was my date to all girls’ dinners, errands, backyard barbeques…and I didn’t want to be rude and have him feel excluded-so he would always sit right next to me, face up so I could see just when that red light started its twitch. Yes, perhaps Mr. BB and I had some attachment issues (has this been used as an insane defense on Law and Order yet?) but I couldn’t shake the anxiety creep when he wasn’t just a reach or purse grab away.

So today it happened. Out of habit, I am up at the crack of dawn and gallop down the stairs to wake Mr. BB up and no red flashing light. Oh no-is it broken? Opening up the message box, I have not one single email or text since yesterday evening. For a quick minute: relief. OMG-this is amazing-no TROUBLE: no fires to put out, no one that needs my input-everything is in order. And then panic: OMG-no fires to put out? No one needs my input? Everything is order…without me. Wow, a little shaky. I casually turn him over 6x in the next hour and still…no flashing light. Darn, isn’t this exactly what I wanted and seriously-are there tears brimming in the back of my eyes?

“Mommy! Mommy! Me is awake!” I hear through the monitor. Immediately, I feel a bit of relief. Who needs Mr. BB when my new employees have me on immediate speed voice dial. As I make my way to Peanut’s room, I hear my other little guy in his room rustling. I smile and open the door-I just love getting them out of bed when they are still sleepy and just waking up. He sees me and I gasp as he squeals in delight, hanging from his mobile (damn, didn’t BabyCenter just send me an email noting to take that thing down?) while everything from the bed (including pj’s and diaper) have been thrown out on the floor.

“MOMMY! Me now! Me want Cheerios!” screams Peanut from across the hall. Okay, deep breath: still have fires to put out, input is readily needed and it certainly does not appear that anything is in order here: red light be damned -I am back in business.

Friday, October 22, 2010

And Then There It Is...

Second day of LOA. Instead of a full event overview, I have decided upon a less stringent approach, instead breaking the day into 4 chunks-themed by food! (ie breakfast, morning snack, lunch, afternoon snack). It is morning snack time and I am feeling pretty energized-we all actually have real clothes on, and I was able to successfully CHECK breakfast off the list (wow, I just love a good task check!). I am thinking my new approach just may be the ticket. Phone rings:

“Umm-how great that you are able to start the tile job early. When exactly would you want to begin? Oh you are in the neighborhood? Oh wonderful! Yes-we will be here.”

$%@*! I am not ready for curve balls yet folks-I mean I just came up with my pinwheel food routine chart and again, I have no idea how re-doing the master and guest bath tile fits into that at all. I thought I had another week to figure that out. Damn, should have completed the risk register! So a quick heated call to Owen (I mean, this must be his fault in some way, right?) and answer the door to 3 men who look like they have enough equipment to move in for the week…which by the way is about how long they let me know they are staying. The jack hammering starts, the babies’ full on freak out mode commences, and I know it is bad news when I am already subtracting the number of hours until I can have a glass of wine.

So 3 hours later, I am driving aimlessly around the city (hmmm…wasn’t there a neighborhood somewhere in Zionsville that I wanted to check out?) while the kids nap in the car. By hour 2 (and 84 strip mall drive bys later) I would give my left toe to be sitting in a Finance meeting. I am overjoyed when I hear BB stirring in the back and announce “SHOPPING TRIP!” Peanut pipes up “Me love shopping!” and I start to perk up…already my teaching is showing impact! I am getting the kids strapped in the cart as Peanut is pulling on my hand and BB’s arm as I push them in. “Seriously-what are you doing sweetie?” “Want us to all hold hands Mommy!” BB giggles and gives her his fingers. “Mommy-give yours now. Team!” And there it is…a moment.

To think that I still hold a grudge against the kid who tripped me on the playground in second grade, it is frankly remarkable the magic amnesia these munchkins can pour out in an instant. After 8.5 tortourous months, daily injections, bed rest and the 10 hardest hours of my life, I see Peanut’s beautiful face and announce that I can’t wait to have 5 more. After zero sleep and BB waking up every other hour (because come on-Mommi can find that paci much more readily than he can!) my heart still melts on time 11 when he says “Momma!” squeezes my neck and rests his head on my shoulder.

So we all 3 hold hands as I push them into Costo, singing Elmo’s World, and I know I would give all my toes to be right here.