Friday, December 17, 2010

The Trifecta of Guilt

Having once again reviewed the CEO Mommi benefits plan with a fine tooth comb, I am still a bit shell shocked at the compensation package. However, I am attacking this new project with gusto and putting some of those Excel pivot tables to good work. First, plan of attack-taking on the grocery. Just watched “The Cheapest Family in America” on the Today Show and feel oddly inspired. I have a list, coupons, and a goal of $85.00. Longing for an incentive plan, I have decided that kicker upon goal is a bonus upgrade to the $10 Cabernet rather than the $5 I should be spending. I am ready!



We arrive at the store and my eyes quickly dart around the parking lot for a red car (because “Me don’t like green Mommi!”) grocery cart. Though I spend half my shopping trips apologizing “Oh damn-sorry, just ran over that pumpkin pie display!” “Oops, sorry mister-didn’t mean to hit you in the shin-but not really sure how to cut corners in this contraption!” this is the only way shopping is at all possible any more. Peanut and Elmo are each strapped into the car after only brief negotiations “Um, Mommi-Elmo wants to be able to beep horn!” and BB is secure in the front (and okay, I left the shopping cart cover in the car because did I really have one more hand with two babies, cups, Elmo, recycle bags-but I use my sleeve to cleanse the handle thoroughly).


10 minutes in and I am already stalled at the bread aisle. So need whole grain (healthy, right)-but damn the kind I really want is like twice the other and wow the store brand is just not good…wait, do I have a coupon for the Auntie Millie’s somewhere in here because that would take it down to almost the same…


“MOMMI-ELMO IS HUNGRY!” Momentary distraction number one as I “feed” Elmo some bread, and then some peanut butter and then sing “SUNNY DAY” as only Elmo would want during his meal. Not to be ignored, BB has somehow started grabbing loaves off the shelf and is tossing them to the floor with shrieks of delight. “Munchkins, Mommi is trying to divide per unit costs here!”


So attempt number one is a flop. I do not meet goal, because frankly Elmo beat me down and I was lucky to grab some milk and cereal. Feeling a bit defeated, I glance at my Two-Buck Chuck Cabernet and realize this must be taken more seriously-Mommi is in absolute need of a better glass of wine.


Next week-munchkins are at home with Daddy and I attempt GROCREY MISSION SOLO. 2.5 hours later…I leave victorious at $87.65 (did I not mention that my incentive plan included rounding) and $32.50 saved! My luxury $10 bottle of wine in tow…I am feeling pretty darn good…who knows, maybe the Today Show is next for me?


Girls dinner later that week and I relive my conquest as I know my fellow mommies will share in my triumph since though he tried, Owen’s “Uh…good job?” and “So do we really have to eat generic peanut butter?” weren’t really providing the recognition deserved.


“Wow Sam-that is amazing! But what about the dirty dozen??” All of my girlfriends are nodding and looking at me in anticipation.


“Dirty Dozen? Oh is that a new wine or something-I haven’t heard of it yet? Is it in my $10 range?”


“Uhhh..Sam, have you not been shopping the dirty dozen??”


%$# what are they talking about?? My girls take the next ½ hour to give me an awesome lesson on organic foods as anxiety crawls up my legs through my torso and throat as I realize that while I spent the past 2 years in marketing and business planning sessions that I missed this memo and my babies are probably suffering a slow death of pesticides.


Let’s give this another shot: with my shopping list in one hand, dirty dozen file peeking out of my purse, my coupons tucked in my pocket, my calorie counter...seriously, I am already exhausted just in preparation. I have not even made it out of the produce aisle and am feeling the anxiety itch as I am pretty positive that I have already gone overbudget with only 6 of the dirty dozen in tow. As I trudge down the last aisle (almost 3 hours later), I realize that not only am I not getting my wine upgrade but I may have to give plasma later to compensate for everything in my cart. As I get to the checkout and my total is revealed, I have a fleeting thought to chuck it all and run out with a $50 bottle of wine.


So I am now the proud owner of yet another sanction of guilt; if anyone has any thoughts or ideas on food that is organic, calorie free, healthy, very cheap, and comes with a free bottle of wine…I would be forever indebted.

Friday, December 3, 2010

Confessions From the Couch

“Hey honey-think I have a great idea for that basement back wall, can you run in here? “ I yell to Owen from the living room. Three days of virtual bed rest post-kidney surgery and can still only mitigate tears after 2 pain killers, mind numbing tv and a. lying on my left side with the right hip slightly elevated or b. knees on the floor, head on the couch with left ear tilted south. No response.

“O-really, this is a good one-can you come here?” Finally I hear some heavy footsteps.

“Hey-look at this built in shelf concept with a bench for larger kid toys…good accent to the wainscoting?”

“Okay Sammi-sorry that it has come to this but seriously, no more HGTV. You are supposed to be resting and so far I have about 3 pages of your great ideas. Why don't you turn on some of that reality crap you used to love?” I don't mention that techically, most of HGTV is reality television as well: Zen has spoken.
Damn-he is so on to me trying to be productive through him. He does have a point; I do truly love a good Design on a Dime and Real Estate Intervention-but anxiety is scratching at me as they have now made me realize that my entire house needs to be rehauled and I can hardly lift my head up.

So I heed the advice and am on a new mission to cram the 3 years of tv programming missed since Sesame Street entered my life. Few observations that are just too riveting not to share-


1.Real Wives of Beverly Hills: Always hear the hype and pumped that I can join the gossip at my next book club. Watch the first episode and then almost feel like I do watching A&E Intervention-a bit nauseous and surprisingly guilty. Of course, I must then watch episodes 2-6 just to ensure this initial reaction is warranted. But Camille Grammar-really? I understand that you are exhausted trying to manage your 4 nannies and completely empathize that slumming it in a 3500 sq ft NYC penthouse is tough…but could you please eat a freaking cheeseburger? Your cheekbones are literally making me wince

2.  Friday Night Lights: Okay I know I am about 5 years behind (and just on season 2) but loving this show! Think that the writers got a bit schizo about the Lyla/Jason relationship (engaged one week then he is making out with a tattoo artist the next?) but overall-Netflix couldn't get here fast enough.


3. Brothers and Sisters: Feel completely disloyal, but wow this show is so NOT GOOD this season. Rob Lowe-how is Community working out for you?


4. Sex and the City 2: Damn, not even Vicodin or seeing my sweet Aidan makes it better the second go round.


5. Dr. Phil: I mean I commend Brandon for his years of sobriety, but is he really qualified to be staging interventions? So embarrassed I am watching them in mute.


6. Young and the Restless: So it is later the same day of the last episode I watched 5 years ago…can Nick and Sharon not just be together people? And am a bit creeped out that the Naked Heiress should be about 7 not 25?

 7. Keeping Up With the Kardashians: Why do I care about keeping up with these folks? Not at all sure but completley sucked in nonetheless; now obsessed with trying to figure out if this Scott character is really a nut job or just some sort of freak actor. Is he really wearing a purple sweater tied around his shoulders? Okay, seriously did I just see a commercial for Bridalplasty…or did I accidentally take the pain med an hour too soon?? This Mommi needs to switch to the Discovery Channel asap...


Wow-though 1000 brain cells short and feeling more than a little guilty, glad I can now cross these “Oh I should watch that” shows off my to-do list. Anything I missed? Speaking of…it has been about 12 hours, too soon to bring up another good idea to Owen?