A New Vice?

The sheer amount of weeping at the Schwartz house nowadays is frankly shocking. Odds are pretty fair that at any given hour you are likely to find either (or some type of combination of) a 2 month old hungry, a 17 month old practicing the perfect whine (new behavior that MUST be conquered…by any means necessary), or the pitiful dog grieving that someone (other than her) is eating. Oh and did I mention the bit of blubbering by the alpha female? Am I still honestly able to blame this shameless weekly (okay, sometimes daily) bit of weeping on hormones 10 weeks post baby? Oprah announces that she is giving her show up…bit of tears; BB smiles and chuckles out loud…bit of tears; Peanut throws her food on the floor while laughing after 3 no’s from momma…bit of tears; Shelby eating through diaper bag to find a few crackers…bit of tears. Friend breaking plans…bit of tears. Believe me; I am saying the same thing you are thinking-“Pull it together sister!!”


Perhaps since my wine drinking has taken a back seat…the tear shedding is my new found release…and I could think of worse vices, right? Doesn’t it prove that I am in touch with my emotions (come on…Psych 101?); and perhaps I will need to worry less about the imminent ulcer since I am “getting it out!” Just as I am starting to accept this new inclination, I recognize that I have mere days before entering the workforce: do you think it would be awkward if I let the tears a flow while negotiating the 2010 business plan? The realization sets in: I have only two weeks to lose 10 lbs, upkeep my roots, nails, and eyebrows, acquire a new wardrobe, and decipher a way to imagine BB being held by a day care worker without a breakdown. Must stop writing…blubbering has commenced.

Oh DQ...Why Can't I Quit You?

So I know I am supposed to be patient “took 9 months to get on, it will take 9 months to come off…” and all that other jib jab, but frankly I am done with the flab. I have been pregnant, nursing, or in “just had a baby” mode for over two years and I am ready to find PBS (pre-baby Sam)…I just know she is in there somewhere! Now, I have given up on the PBS mind ever being the same-but I am holding out hope for the body. This is certainly not to imply that PBS didn’t have her flaws…but I had 30 years of practice understanding how to cover, disguise, and guard these. I am still searching for something other than an empire waist to make me look reasonable while shuddering every time I spend a dime on these types of clothes because I know PBS is just around the corner! (and of course because of that little guilt complex I have perfected over the years).



However, did I mention that I am commanding the weight to come off as I put it on-with a mind of its own and little effort from me? And I also absolutely demand that it come off without giving up that nasty DQ habit I picked up during pregnancy #2. How ironic that I develop a rabid sweet tooth while 30-something when you couldn’t get me to touch a piece of chocolate in the early scrawny years; when I was desperate for a few extra lbs as not to look so strikingly similar to one of those Feed the Children public service announcements. Thinking the tooth was completely related to pregnancy hormones (as was any other crazy behavior I could possibly blame), I thought as soon as BB had popped his angelic head into the word that my sweet craving would be expelled as well. This notion was quickly squelched…as I sent Owen out to fetch me DQ a few hours after his arrival. It wasn’t until recently that I understood the tooth’s severity when offered the choice I easily decided on a DQ strawberry sundae over a bold Cabernet.


Given this and the impeding back-to-work date looming (meaning unless I find 10 more free empire waist dresses, I must squeeze into a few PBS clothing options) it is DQ lockdown at the Schwartz abode. Wish me luck-this will not be an easy journey. And there is that special 2 for $3 special still running…hmmm…maybe just one more dash?

Photo Shoot Mania

Oh the joy of the family photo…what a treasured memory! Treasured memory-DOUBTFUL…treasured pandamonium is more like it. Wouldn’t it be hilarious if the annual photo that we send to all family and friends (perhaps even with that included letter triumphing all the year’s wonderful coming/goings ) had accompanying audio to discuss the screaming, safety pins, sucked in tummies, cookie bribery, and general misery accompanying the photo taking. A few key photo lessons learned by Team Schwartz



1. Please squash all visions of cute/cuddly photos of your two babies under 2 in Santa hats


2. Let go of the dream…you are not going to look skinny 8 weeks post baby; accentuate your hair (if you have time to wash) or perhaps a new pair of shoes?  (yes, make the time as you are already at the department store's childrens section!) Better yet, choose a photographer who is also a Mommy and knows mad Photoshop skills!


3. Do not base the entire photo color scheme around a 2 month’s old outfit


4. Critical to try on everyone’s outfit prior to 30 minutes prior to shoot (yes, perhaps one week in advance would be ideal)

5. In times of desperation, pull on your knowledge of dog training (yes, always including small snacks) to have babies move to proper placement…just for that one crucial shot!


5. Keep all receipts for the 100 hats, bows, tights, and dresses that were not chosen for the crucial shot (believe, me, that $500 will come in handy for the next time you decide to go scour every city mall for the "perfect!" photo wardrobe)

6. Speaking of the one crucial shot…let it go! Go for the candid: wear your craziness with pride!

And The Award Goes To...

Twelve noon here and I have bathed/dressed two children, changed 7 diapers, fed both kids multiple times, pumped, got both kids in the car (any mom of two babies under two can appreciate this feat in and of itself), scoured the mall for the perfect accessories for upcoming family pictures, handled two baby meltdowns with no tears from mom, started a load of laundry and actually threw a few random items in the Crockpot that I can call dinner later. I even caught a glimpse of myself in a mirror and though not close to attractive, I do have on clean clothes (okay, I wore these yoga pants for a few hours yesterday…but that does not even come close to counting as dirty), clean teeth, and am wearing earrings which seems to draw attention away from the glaring black puffy under eye area. I feel so proud and almost deserving of a Q4 award! But wait, this is my Mommyhood career and no one has talked to me about the bonus structure or additional compensation package. This is ridiculous-who is in charge? Oh wait-that is me…team captain of Team Schwartz! So I am giving myself a “Morning Superior Multitasking “award…which definitely deserves a Starbucks Pumpkin Spice Latte and maybe that new scarf I spied at Target! For the hardest job on the planet, I must say the recognition/award program is quite lacking. So, I have decided to honor fellow Moms with a weekly award (though monetarily lacking-everyone wants to be recognized for a good job, right?)…stay tuned next week for our first recipient! I mean-if we aren’t going to give them out…who is? And don’t tell my employer…but these Mommy accomplishments are most often more challenging than hitting quota-

Baby Bubble Burst!

The Baby Bubble exists! So I am sure I read this phrase in one of the million Preparing For Baby! books I studied during pregnancy, and now I fully realize its truth. The Bubble begins forming in pregnancy, where thoughts of baby nurseries, diaper genies, and the proper car seat purchase become all consuming. When pregnant with Peanut, my Saturday evenings progressed from dinner and drinks with friends to all night Internet searches reviewing everything from the proper bottle cleaner to the all important stroller. However, it isn’t until you are screeching to a halt at the hospital valet in full labor that the Baby Bubble fully encloses. Suddenly, it is impossible to think about anything other than that angel face and any and everything that relates to it. Obsession regarding this creature’s feeding, changing, and sleeping patterns become all encompassing (OMG I think he is sleeping too much!…do Internet search. OMG-don’t think he is sleeping enough! …do Internet search. OMG-he hasn’t eaten in 4 hours!...do Internet search. OMG-if I don’t choose the right diaper brand he will most probably be scarred for life!...do Internet search.) It becomes almost impossible to carry on a conversation regarding anything that doesn’t relate to the above (“Guess what Sam-dating a new guy what do you think? “Well, I need to know if he uses hand sanitizer, because if not then you might have been infected and therefore my baby may somehow be in contact with GERMS! AHHHHH!”) Realizing my state of baby crazy, I am usually fighting like mad to gain some semblance of normal after day 3; however, there is something so special about being enveloped in the baby bubble cocoon, there is nothing quite like it. And I don’t think you truly feel how exceptional it is until the Baby Bubble…bursts. And nothing can rupture the Bubble more readily…than entering your place of employment. BOO. I am currently searching for some glue.

Six Weeks Postpartum=Normal??

So I just had the dreaded 6 week postpartum check-up. Dreaded for the obvious reason-I mean the thought of anyone being near that area almost evokes a post traumatic syndrome attack. But even more than that, the thought of walking out the door with the diagnosis of “back to normal” frightens me even more. I don’t know about you, but I do not consider sleeping in 2 hour intervals, carrying around an extra 15 lbs, or soaking through a t-shirt after simply looking at the baby on the Pampers box normal occurrences. Well…at least not normal for PBS (PreBabySam). So now that I have the official sign off and in the interest of keeping some semblance of PBS, I have decided to compile a list of some crazy recent behaviors that I may need to curb-



1. Wearing the same pair of sweat pants for a week-no matter how comfortable, this is just not sanitary


2. Still keeping the cute maternity tops in my closet-just in case (it was cute 2 months ago-it now needs to go into a bin…for good)


3. Waking up on Thursday and realizing a shower has not been had since Owen has been home (ie Sunday)


4. Thinking that using a baby wipe to blot a shooting poo from my fleece has made it acceptable to wear out in public (no excuse, but it was only a little!)


5. Getting teary every time someone mentions work or employment of any kind (crazy as I am, I started mourning maternity leave going too quickly the day I left the hospital)


6. Noticing spit up on my shoulder but turning a blind eye, because really who has another shirt that fits anyhow?


7. Feeding the dog dishwasher detergent (in my defense, the box was located right next to the food container)


8. Getting giddy about going out to get the mail (even PBS was pretty pumped when US Weekly arrived, but horizons really need to be broadened when this becomes my daily highlight)


9. Thinking that I can probably go “just one more day” after hair has not been properly washed in a week: I mean it usually looks better if I sleep on it! (okay, so this may be true after day 2, but at day 7 really greasy and generally unattractive)


10. Remembering to always pull up my dress after feeding the baby (long story-but let’s be honest, it didn’t just happen once)






Who am I kidding? I need to resign myself that NORMAL has been redefined. Funny that I thought that I would be more put together this being my second time entering New Mommyhood. If anything, I am more of a wreck this time around (letting my roots grow out is a tell tale sign). I don’t think it matters if it is time 1 or 4-these little creatures make a GRAND entrance and frankly I don’t think I will ever be “normal” again (and honestly, my normal always was a bit in question). Granted, I need to work on a few of my issues listed above (for safety, sanity and good old public decency), but I have decided to give myself a break and extend my “just had a baby” time for an additional 6 weeks…with the complete right to extend at that point if I feel appropriate (no husband input necessary). Given these revelations, I am off to buy a few more pairs of sweats…

First post!

I have given in and decided to jump into the blogger world. I am still a bit hesitant and feel a bit unequipped (since I am still trying to figure out how to set up the template...am I tech savvy enough for this?)